FRENCH: About Parenting Teens: Teens Having Sex at 13

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From Denise Witmer, your Guide to Parenting Teens

Teens Having Sex at 13, What Can a Parent Do?

A mom on our forum as this concern: My daughter is in 8th grade and she has a boyfriend (lives 20 miles away and not in same school). I know the parents of the boy and they are nice, responsible people. We both have camps in a very large lake resort area (700 units). The kids met each other in July 4th party. They decided they wanted to date. Well, date meant: families go out on boats together, go to each others house to swim or visit for the afternoon. Maybe 5 times and all supervised by one family or the other. Both families with the kids involved have had discussions on what is acceptable in 13-14 dating, which is no sexual contact. Both teens said that was good, they just wanted to hang out. Sounds reasonable to this point.....right??

WRONG... we trusted them. First there was a hickey, and a promise with letters from both teens to each other's parents that nothing like this would ever happen again. JUST GIVE US A CHANCE TO REGAIN YOUR TRUST! Well we did and for the next few visits (2) all seemed okay.

Then last night I found myself going to the drugstore to get a pregnancy test! My almost 14-year-old, still 13-years-old daughter had not started her period and I could tell she was concerned. I finally got her to tell me that they had sex, in my house, while I was outside... (read the rest on the blog) ...Right now, I don't want them around each other at all (even with both families together). Should I clam down?????

Denise's thoughts: You are right to be concerned and 13 is way too young to be in a sexual relationship. I think you could restrict their visits for a month as a consequence and then only allow them to date in public, once a week. No alone time, period. That means if you are outside doing lawn work, so are they. Monitoring them does not mean you have to do what they want.

You can also get a little inventive. Like getting them involved in volunteer work together. That way they see each other, they are in public and they may learn something.

I would also explain to your daughter about trust, and how you feel betrayed by her actions when you had took the time to get to know the young man, allow the dating and so forth. Tell her you want her to regain that trust and you hope she is willing to try.

Don't be disappointed in yourself. You talked to her about dating, you talked to the other family, you monitored the situation and you handled it when it didn't go as planned. You cannot make their choices for them, but don't let their bad choices ruin your relationship with your daughter. Get some me-time as soon as you can, de-stress.

Asking our parenting community: Please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the comments area.

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Is Chloe King Squandering Away Her 9 Lives?

Asked my teen daughter this and the conversation mostly turned into a "Do you think Brian is really dead?" discussion because she is semi-crushing on that teen heart-throb. But we did talk about how it was a very stupid(my dd's word) mistake for Chloe not to tell someone what she was up to, where she was going and who she was suppose to meet up with. Because she didn't trust the support network of people who know and care for her, she may have lost them all. Therefore, she may end up losing the rest of her lives very easily.

Pretty strong metaphor for the way today's teen lives, right? We want our teens to trust us, their support network, but at times they don't and bad things happen. While we don't need - or want - to know everything in their lives, we do want them to talk to us when they think about taking risks that can hurt them. Not that we can always save them from the hurt - a scene that was played out when Chloe told her adoptive mom she thinks that she loves Brian. Amy Pietz, who plays Meredith King Chloe's adoptive mom, did a wonderful job portraying a mom's whose heart is breaking for her daughter. This whole scene was a huge sign to teens that you should trust adults around you. Foreshadowing when Chloe didn't, bad things happen, and she paid for it with one of her lives.

What did you think of the finale of The Nine Lives of Chloe King? I like the strong relationships between parent and child on this show and really hope it gets picked up for a second season. Let me know how you and your teen felt about it in the comments area.

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