FRENCH: About Parenting Teens: Should Parents Reign in This Relationship?

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From Denise Witmer, your Guide to Parenting Teens

Should Parents Reign in This Relationship?

A mom on our forum seeks advice: Our youngest daughter, a beautiful singer and dancer, has been madly 'in love' with an 18, now 19 yr old very nice and intelligent boy, who is now 'off to community college' two hrs. away. We let them 'date' when she turned 16 last Dec., but over the summer they ended up spending most of every day together, either at our house or his, mostly with parental supervision. I put them to work at home every other day, since he was here anyway, thinking this would end when he went 'off to college'. At college begin he had said his plan was to come home every other weekend, however, six of the last seven weekends he's been home, unannounced, again spending every day, even a Thurs., with my daughter. During the week she hypertexts, talks to him on her cell at least a half hr. before she falls asleep, and in general pines for him. Her grades are good up till now, but she's giving her singing and dancing short Schrift. We like him and would not want to break it up, but need help in setting some limits (if it's not too late!). Do you agree this is too much time together for such a young girl (they seem like they're becoming rather dependent on each other), and that this may contribute to her losing focus of her other interests? (though she is taking a college/career planning class and maintains she doesn't want to do these other activities anymore). She's not very talkative or easy to talk to, but has told me they believe in waiting (?) to become sexual - she says she listens to God, and has a prayer diary... I do believe they're not fooling around... yet.

My husband and I are planning to talk to them, together or individually (?), to set a limit of 1/month visitation and a list of expectations/chores for her to do consistently w/o reminders before he is allowed to visit. We need some support...any other suggestions?

Denise's thoughts: I understand your concerns and agree, in part. But I believe by pulling them back to one visit because you did not set the limits in the first place will be seen by her as a betrayal of trust, as it will feel very much like a punishment when she is behaving.

What you can do is be honest with both of them and seek a compromise. Treat them with respect as a couple who are making their own decisions, but let them know that there needs to be some more limits and you feel so strongly about this that you are willing to allow them have input on what the limits will be. Then go on to discuss that the best couples - the ones who make it through thick and thin in life - are couples who spend time working on being the best person they can be as an individual. You are finding that they aren't seeing that and you want them to remember that as they think about the limits that should be in place. This will help you teach your daughter about who she can be when she is in a relationship later in life as well, instead of just mandating what she needs to do now.

I've been here and I've helped many parents who have been here as well. It is not an easy spot to be in. Love is not easy... being the parent of one who is in love is downright hard. Hang in there!

Asking our community: How easy was it for you to talk to your teen and their boy/girl friend when setting limits? Have you found yourself in this situation? Please share your thoughts, opinions and experiences in the comments area.

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