FRENCH: About Parenting Teens: Son Is Out-of-Control, Mom Blames Herself

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From Denise Witmer, your Guide to Parenting Teens

Son Is Out-of-Control, Mom Blames Herself

A mom on the forum seeks advice: I am in desperate need of advice. I think I have ruined my son or scarred him for life and now I worry all the time about the man is growing up to be. There is no other way to say this but to admit the truth and say I have been verbally abusive at times to my son but more towards my husband. I look back on it and realized that I have hurt my son emotionally and mentally. It has manifest itself into an 18 year old son that I don't even recognized. My husband and I have spoiled him and his brother (13 years old) and have not taught either of them true responsibility. My son is in college on a basketball scholarship at a nearby school.

Since he has been away at college he has lied repeatedly, he flunked one of his classes, he is type 1 diabetic and has not been taking care of himself, has been drinking, got a tattoo when he knows his father and I were totally against it , dating older women and who knows what else. My son was never one to talk or express himself but now he seems even more disconnected from us and I am so so concerned about him. To make matters worse is my husband seems to totally oblivious to everything going on. Just last night we found out my 18 year did not give his brother all of the money we had sat aside for them for Christmas giving. It was $10, but the point is to me he just stole $10 from his little brother. If I had not asked my youngest about it I would have never known. My husband's response is well he will have to pay his brother back. I think it is much deeper than just paying the money back , because if he will steal from his brother he will steal from anyone and think nothing of it. Unfortunately, this not the first time because he has taken my Ipod and I just happened to see him with it but his response was I wasn't using it so what is the big deal. He is correct I had not used it for a very long time but the mere fact he thought it was his to take without my permission bothers me and my husband response was just take it from him and give him the lecture about taking other peoples stuff and that was the end of it. Maybe it is not a big deal and maybe I am just being overly dramatic as my husband seems to think I am but everything in my very being and fiber tells me that my son is growing up spoiled and entitled. He lacks motivation and initiative with a no care attitude that just bothers me. I know that I have not been the best parent but I love my boys and would do anything in the world for them.

I am really looking for some kind of guidance at this point. I have thought about counseling for our family but my husband is against it. He thinks we should just stop saying yes to everything and it will all work out, but I am not so sure about that.

Denise's thoughts: "I agree(with other users on the forum), it's never too late for change. If your husband is not interested in family therapy, you should still set it up and go. Perhaps he will join you after some time. Good luck and here are some resources that should help:

Asking out parenting community: Do you have advice for this mom? Please share your thoughts, experiences and opinions in the comments area.

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