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Did these parents over-punish their teen?
A mom on our forum is seeking advice: I really need some perspective here. We have a 13-year-old son who is generally a really good kid--star forward on his soccer team, 3.6 gpa. He and my husband have been in a bit of a power struggle ever since he (my son) hit puberty. I am definitely the "softy" parent. Last month my son told a lie about using his computer during the day when he'd been told not to. He has lied in the past but always little things, such as finding cash around the house and pocketing it instead of leaving it alone. My husband's punishment for the lie was no computer for 2 months and no texting for 4 months. We live in a very isolated area, and my son's texting has been his lifeline to his friends when he's not at school. I went along with the punishment because I felt I was being forced to choose between my husband and my son, and I wanted to put up a united parenting front--but now I am wracked with guilt that the punishment was way too extreme. Please help me know whether I did the right thing, and what a more appropriate response could have been.
Denise's thoughts: I think what your husband chose to take away from him was good, but the timing is long. The thing about punishment when it's too long, it loses it's effectiveness as a deterrent from bad behavior and becomes a catalyst of bad feelings within the family instead. The feelings of guilt you're having, for instance.
I have some resources for discipline, but I want to point out that power struggles never lead to good things. Maybe when your teen is out you and your husband can talk about how to handle disciplining your teen before there is a problem and it becomes emotional and escalates. As for what you do now with your teen, I think you should fall back and regroup.
Resources:
Effective Communication in Discipline
What Do I do If My Teen Lies to Me?
Logical & Natural Consequences
Asking our parenting community: Have you every over-punished your teen? How about under-punished your teen? How did you fix it with them? Please share your thoughts, advice and experiences with us in the comments area.
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